Thursday, May 18, 2006
Censor And Censorbility
I have been drinking all afternoon (surprise, surprise) and I have been punished. I have an absolutely horrible headache. Consequently, you can imagine my delight, when, upon perusing yesterday's copy of 'The Metro', I found in the mail section a letter from Y Wallner of Kent who is clearly trying to inject a bit of humour into Britain's dry censorship debates. God knows it needed it.
Sadly, however, 'The Metro' doesn't have the letter on its website, so I'm going to have to reproduce it in full. I hope you appreciate my commitment here.
'The Government's discussion of whether or not to teach citizenship at schools (Metro, Tue) has rekindled the debate over the nature of British values.'
'These values are clear to everyone of the 40-and-above age group, for whom a certain level of behaviour is acceptable. To go beyond this level is wrong. As these people were growing up, the British media had a huge influence. Magazines, TV, and films portrayed - primarily - respect, family, wholesomeness and, most of all, the innocence of youth. But it has taken only one generation to replace these virtues with coarse, vulgar and anti-social behaviour, binge-drinking, bullying, football hooliganism and the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.'
'You only have to watch the television programmes such as EastEnders, Big Brother, Catherine Tate and Little Britain to see atrocious behaviour and language. Of course, irresponsible broadcasters will say they're only mirroring the world - while hooligans think it is acceptable because they saw it on TV.'
'Something must be done now to turn this around. If broadcasters and parents are unable or unwilling to act, then the state must. To re-instate important values, may I suggest we start with the basics? Make civic and citizenship education a subject from pre-school through to primary level. Children should be taught respect for every aspect of life and good values. This dreadful situation won't be eradicated overnight but if it took one generation to create it, then it can take just one generation to turn it around.'
This is so stupid I half believe it's a parody. However, just on the off chance that it isn't, or that there is some cretin reading this who was nodding sagely while reading it, let's give it a good seeing-to. From the top:
'. . . the debate over the nature of British values.'
As you will recall, there is no such thing as 'British values'.
'These values are clear to everyone of the 40-and-above age group. . .'
These absurd generalisations are clear to everyone of the 40-and-below age group.
'As these people were growing up, the British media had a huge influence.'
Uhm, aren't we supposed to be chiding the media for having too much influence now?
'Magazines, TV, and films portrayed - primarily - respect . . .'
Ah yes, all those old classics that were based upon respect. Like 'Fawlty Towers', 'Porridge' and ''Allo 'Allo'.
'. . .it has taken only one generation to replace these virtues with coarse, vulgar and anti-social behaviour, binge-drinking, bullying, football hooliganism and the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.'
Actually, the reason I've been drinking all afternoon is because there's fuck all on telly, not because I was inspired by it.
Oh, yeah, and another thing. People are learning football hooliganism off the telly? I don't think so. A film promoting hooliganism is one of the few films left banned in Britain. Meanwhile, Cockney 'ard man Ray Winstone is busy admonishing us to be nice to the Germans. (By the way, that article contains the following brilliant line about a character Winstone played recently: 'Winstone degenerates into a swearing, gibbering, paranoid lunatic - a cross between King Lear and Peter Reid'. Comedy gold!)
'You only have to watch the television programmes such as EastEnders, Big Brother, Catherine Tate and Little Britain to see atrocious behaviour and language.'
Yes, if there's one thing that's for certain, it's that Britain's hooligans have been inspired by 'The Catherine Tate Show'.
'Of course, irresponsible broadcasters will say they're only mirroring the world - while hooligans think it is acceptable because they saw it on TV.'
Because the news never criticises hooligans, does it? Presumably the nations murderers were inspired by the coverage of Fred West and Harold Shipman.
'Something must be done now to turn this around.'
Did you hear me? I said SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. That's SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.
'If broadcasters and parents are unable or unwilling to act, then the state must.'
Oh no you don't, you horrible statist sod! Get your fucking government away from me!
'Make civic and citizenship education a subject from pre-school through to primary level.'
Baby Brian: 'Goo goo gaa gaa!'
Nursery Nurse: 'Bad Brian! It's goo goo gaa gaa, pretty please! Now go and do forty press-ups in the Naughty Corner.'
'Children should be taught respect for every aspect of life . . .'
I believe this is a repressed call for much more nudity and plenty more fart jokes on television.
'This dreadful situation won't be eradicated overnight but if it took one generation to create it, then it can take just one generation to turn it around.'
Dad: 'Here, Steve, why don't you drop one of these pills, have a line of coke, wank off to a porn movie, make a teenage girl pregnant and then beat up a Wrexham fan on the street?'
Steve: 'Oh no Dad, I don't want to have fun like you did when you were young.'
Mr Fletcher is ready to begin your citizenship class now, children . . .
Sadly, however, 'The Metro' doesn't have the letter on its website, so I'm going to have to reproduce it in full. I hope you appreciate my commitment here.
'The Government's discussion of whether or not to teach citizenship at schools (Metro, Tue) has rekindled the debate over the nature of British values.'
'These values are clear to everyone of the 40-and-above age group, for whom a certain level of behaviour is acceptable. To go beyond this level is wrong. As these people were growing up, the British media had a huge influence. Magazines, TV, and films portrayed - primarily - respect, family, wholesomeness and, most of all, the innocence of youth. But it has taken only one generation to replace these virtues with coarse, vulgar and anti-social behaviour, binge-drinking, bullying, football hooliganism and the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.'
'You only have to watch the television programmes such as EastEnders, Big Brother, Catherine Tate and Little Britain to see atrocious behaviour and language. Of course, irresponsible broadcasters will say they're only mirroring the world - while hooligans think it is acceptable because they saw it on TV.'
'Something must be done now to turn this around. If broadcasters and parents are unable or unwilling to act, then the state must. To re-instate important values, may I suggest we start with the basics? Make civic and citizenship education a subject from pre-school through to primary level. Children should be taught respect for every aspect of life and good values. This dreadful situation won't be eradicated overnight but if it took one generation to create it, then it can take just one generation to turn it around.'
This is so stupid I half believe it's a parody. However, just on the off chance that it isn't, or that there is some cretin reading this who was nodding sagely while reading it, let's give it a good seeing-to. From the top:
'. . . the debate over the nature of British values.'
As you will recall, there is no such thing as 'British values'.
'These values are clear to everyone of the 40-and-above age group. . .'
These absurd generalisations are clear to everyone of the 40-and-below age group.
'As these people were growing up, the British media had a huge influence.'
Uhm, aren't we supposed to be chiding the media for having too much influence now?
'Magazines, TV, and films portrayed - primarily - respect . . .'
Ah yes, all those old classics that were based upon respect. Like 'Fawlty Towers', 'Porridge' and ''Allo 'Allo'.
'. . .it has taken only one generation to replace these virtues with coarse, vulgar and anti-social behaviour, binge-drinking, bullying, football hooliganism and the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.'
Actually, the reason I've been drinking all afternoon is because there's fuck all on telly, not because I was inspired by it.
Oh, yeah, and another thing. People are learning football hooliganism off the telly? I don't think so. A film promoting hooliganism is one of the few films left banned in Britain. Meanwhile, Cockney 'ard man Ray Winstone is busy admonishing us to be nice to the Germans. (By the way, that article contains the following brilliant line about a character Winstone played recently: 'Winstone degenerates into a swearing, gibbering, paranoid lunatic - a cross between King Lear and Peter Reid'. Comedy gold!)
'You only have to watch the television programmes such as EastEnders, Big Brother, Catherine Tate and Little Britain to see atrocious behaviour and language.'
Yes, if there's one thing that's for certain, it's that Britain's hooligans have been inspired by 'The Catherine Tate Show'.
'Of course, irresponsible broadcasters will say they're only mirroring the world - while hooligans think it is acceptable because they saw it on TV.'
Because the news never criticises hooligans, does it? Presumably the nations murderers were inspired by the coverage of Fred West and Harold Shipman.
'Something must be done now to turn this around.'
Did you hear me? I said SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. That's SOMETHING MUST BE DONE.
'If broadcasters and parents are unable or unwilling to act, then the state must.'
Oh no you don't, you horrible statist sod! Get your fucking government away from me!
'Make civic and citizenship education a subject from pre-school through to primary level.'
Baby Brian: 'Goo goo gaa gaa!'
Nursery Nurse: 'Bad Brian! It's goo goo gaa gaa, pretty please! Now go and do forty press-ups in the Naughty Corner.'
'Children should be taught respect for every aspect of life . . .'
I believe this is a repressed call for much more nudity and plenty more fart jokes on television.
'This dreadful situation won't be eradicated overnight but if it took one generation to create it, then it can take just one generation to turn it around.'
Dad: 'Here, Steve, why don't you drop one of these pills, have a line of coke, wank off to a porn movie, make a teenage girl pregnant and then beat up a Wrexham fan on the street?'
Steve: 'Oh no Dad, I don't want to have fun like you did when you were young.'
Mr Fletcher is ready to begin your citizenship class now, children . . .
Comments:
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Our Metro letters page up here is equally mental, though it has managed to get even worse recently to the extent that I think someone is writing mad letters for a big daft laugh.
I hate the fucking Metro. The letters are funny as hell, but the rest of the paper is appalling.
Hope the hangover isn't too bad mate.........
Hope the hangover isn't too bad mate.........
The only thing missing from that letter is the closing line "won't somebody PLEEAASSE think of the children!"
Whilst I can share, somewhat, your distate for state intervention into pretty much anything: only the most blinkered libertarian would argue that state intervention is not required at all.
Take film classification for example. I think we should all be able to agree that four year old children should not be able to buy films with rape and violence in.
Unappetising as it may be, state intervention /may/ be required to stop children on estates dropping drugs and popping out kids.
Would you really want a degenerate country just because you don't want the government enshrine anything mildly inhibitive in law?
Take film classification for example. I think we should all be able to agree that four year old children should not be able to buy films with rape and violence in.
Unappetising as it may be, state intervention /may/ be required to stop children on estates dropping drugs and popping out kids.
Would you really want a degenerate country just because you don't want the government enshrine anything mildly inhibitive in law?
So Peter, Andrea and me were sat around discussing Andrea's new hi-fi. We talked about its great woofers, its classical design, the really easy to use remote, and its general all-around awesomeness, and then MattyG walked and said, 'yeah, that's quite something about Frederick of the Palatinate isn't it?'
Andrea's got great hooters.
Sorry I missed the thrust of your argument, you were too trenchant. Try bloviating in a more verbose fashion to labour your prolix points more.
Sorry I missed the thrust of your argument, you were too trenchant. Try bloviating in a more verbose fashion to labour your prolix points more.
Clairwil & Ill Man -
I concur. 'The Metro' is a dog of a newspaper. Even for a free read it disappoints. I prefer 'Loot'.
Binty -
Yes! Maybe we've finally found out who 'Outraged of Tunbridge Wells' was.
I concur. 'The Metro' is a dog of a newspaper. Even for a free read it disappoints. I prefer 'Loot'.
Binty -
Yes! Maybe we've finally found out who 'Outraged of Tunbridge Wells' was.
I too don't really like the metro: but they did do the intriguing superhero of tunbridge wells story...
"I have been drinking all afternoon (surprise, surprise) and I have been punished. I have an absolutely horrible headache."
That's what happens when you drink "White Lightning."
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That's what happens when you drink "White Lightning."
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