Sunday, November 19, 2006
Happy Birthday Tonya!
Okay, I'm late, but never mind, better late than never. After all, Tonya herself was late to the medal ceremony at the 1993 US Championships, so compared, mine is a minor misdemeanour indeed.
Yes, this time last week was the 36th birthday of erstwhile American figure skater Tonya Harding. The only thing most people can remember about Tonya is that her husband hired a man to cripple her main rival Nancy Kerrigan during the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships. Yet there's so much more to her than that, and we here at Dr Feelgood thought now would be as good a time as any to reveal '10 Reasons Why Tonya Harding Is A Much Better Person Than Nancy Kerrigan, And In Fact Just About All Of You Too':
1. Well, for a start, she was arguably a better figure skater - she was the first, and to this day the only, American to land the famously difficult triple axel.
2. She was terrible at timekeeping, being nearly late at two competitions (including one in which she was so late that jet lag nearly ruined her performance) and one awards ceremony. She was, therefore, much more dramatic, and anyway, as all celebrity parties show, it's the best people who turn up last.
3. Harding married a man called Jeff Gillooly. This is arguably the funniest surname in the world. By contrast, Kerrigan married a man called Jerry Solomon. You can almost feel the greyness washing off that name.
4. Harding once got someone to telephone in a bomb threat against herself in order to avoid the pain of having to qualify for a tournament. I'm jealous - why didn't I think to do this with my homework?
5. Even better - Harding later used the same excuse to cancel a boxing match. It takes guts to burn people once, but twice? Fair play!
6. A patron of the arts - her attack on Kerrigan inspired a novel 'Celebrities In Disgrace' and 'Tonya and Nancy: The Opera'.
7. Come on - would anyone give a shit about figure-skating if it wasn't for her?
8. Made a sex tape before it was passe.
9. Harding was found guilty of domestic assault, which is, I admit, not terribly cool. However, she assaulted the man by throwing a hubcap at him, which most certainly is.
10. Kerrigan, by contrast, was a whiny bore. She once attended a promotional event with her sponsor, Walt Disney World, and was caught saying: 'This is dumb. I hate it. This is the most corniest thing I have ever done.' An ungrateful bitch, obviously, but it's the grammar that upsets me. 'Most corniest?' She deserved everything she got!
Also, she made it to the cover of Time magazine. More than any of you, anyway!
Yes, this time last week was the 36th birthday of erstwhile American figure skater Tonya Harding. The only thing most people can remember about Tonya is that her husband hired a man to cripple her main rival Nancy Kerrigan during the 1994 US Figure Skating Championships. Yet there's so much more to her than that, and we here at Dr Feelgood thought now would be as good a time as any to reveal '10 Reasons Why Tonya Harding Is A Much Better Person Than Nancy Kerrigan, And In Fact Just About All Of You Too':
1. Well, for a start, she was arguably a better figure skater - she was the first, and to this day the only, American to land the famously difficult triple axel.
2. She was terrible at timekeeping, being nearly late at two competitions (including one in which she was so late that jet lag nearly ruined her performance) and one awards ceremony. She was, therefore, much more dramatic, and anyway, as all celebrity parties show, it's the best people who turn up last.
3. Harding married a man called Jeff Gillooly. This is arguably the funniest surname in the world. By contrast, Kerrigan married a man called Jerry Solomon. You can almost feel the greyness washing off that name.
4. Harding once got someone to telephone in a bomb threat against herself in order to avoid the pain of having to qualify for a tournament. I'm jealous - why didn't I think to do this with my homework?
5. Even better - Harding later used the same excuse to cancel a boxing match. It takes guts to burn people once, but twice? Fair play!
6. A patron of the arts - her attack on Kerrigan inspired a novel 'Celebrities In Disgrace' and 'Tonya and Nancy: The Opera'.
7. Come on - would anyone give a shit about figure-skating if it wasn't for her?
8. Made a sex tape before it was passe.
9. Harding was found guilty of domestic assault, which is, I admit, not terribly cool. However, she assaulted the man by throwing a hubcap at him, which most certainly is.
10. Kerrigan, by contrast, was a whiny bore. She once attended a promotional event with her sponsor, Walt Disney World, and was caught saying: 'This is dumb. I hate it. This is the most corniest thing I have ever done.' An ungrateful bitch, obviously, but it's the grammar that upsets me. 'Most corniest?' She deserved everything she got!
Also, she made it to the cover of Time magazine. More than any of you, anyway!
Comments:
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hilarious! and all true; i'm linking to this on thursday (my fun post day), LMAO!
# posted by 
: 5:21 pm
: 5:21 pm
Sweet young Harding, you are older than I. And I ache. What chance have you got for signing on to "stars on ice" and doing a tour of the collective suburban unconscious?
Oh, and Dr Feelgood Steve?
"She was, therefore, much more dramatic, and anyway, as all celebrity parties show, it's the best people who turn up last. "
Five commas in one sentance? This constitutes as punctuation pollution.
Oh, and Dr Feelgood Steve?
"She was, therefore, much more dramatic, and anyway, as all celebrity parties show, it's the best people who turn up last. "
Five commas in one sentance? This constitutes as punctuation pollution.
Rimone - Cheers! (again!)
SafeT - You got me. I do love a good comma or two. Commas and hyphens; those are my weaknesses.
Boudica - Saucer of milk for Boudica, I think.
SafeT - You got me. I do love a good comma or two. Commas and hyphens; those are my weaknesses.
Boudica - Saucer of milk for Boudica, I think.
damn, it's finally up---somehow i got my strength and mental (and i do mean 'mental') faculties together yesterday.
# posted by : 4:40 pm
: 4:40 pm
Cheers! It's very kind of you - by the way, I must just say that that deep fried pizza looked just about the nicest thing I've ever seen. Might have to experiment along those lines myself!
please don't make me puke more, Steve. my best friend (who's Scottish) and her man are totally pissed off at me and i'm all 'hey, i'm from Brooklyn--fuck the both of youse w/your nation of heart attacks and high blood pressure. /that/ shut /them/ up, lol.
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# posted by : 4:48 pm
: 4:48 pm << Home
