Tuesday, May 16, 2006


Eden For A Moment

'Tis sad, 'tis sad, 'tis sad. After just four episodes, the latest series of 'Wife Swap' has ended. I am, to put it bluntly, distraught. If you will recall, I am something of a fan of 'Wife Swap'.

This series has been particularly inspired. By far the best episode featured a former American serviceman named Brian who insisted on having his wife vacuum the rug in his living room every day and never let anybody walk on it. He was a classic.

The trouble, of course, is that there are only so many people out there willing to have their family life dragged over the coals for the prurient entertainment of people like me. As a consequence, they have had to start begging for people to sign up at the end of each programme. Channel 4 seem to have a bit of a problem with running out of people/contestants/subjects for these programmes - 'Grand Designs' was reduced to pleading as well. So, on behalf of couch potatoes everywhere, let me say: please, please, please, nutters, do sign up! Where would we be without you?

There was once a rumour on the internet, which I can't find any more, that the producers were aiming to do an episode with naturists and religious fanatics. It hardly needs saying that I think this would be the best idea ever. Unfortunately, a search for the relevant webpage on google with the terms '"Wife Swap" naturist religious' just brings up millions of links to pages containing videos of choirgirls taking it up the arse, which are diverting in their own way, but not terribly pertinent.

As ever, I shall live in hope, but I'm begging Channel 4, please produce more of them as fast as possible. Without my shot of family swapping mayhem, I'm an incomplete man.

What we now have to look forward to is 'Big Brother', which starts on Thursday. Cracking! With any luck, I shan't be watching the opening night, as I aim to be getting pissed instead, but I'm hopeful that they will produce as eclectic a selction as possible. Sadly, Channel 4 shut down more or less everything else during the course of BB, which rather puts paid to the 'King Of The Hill' re-runs I've been enjoying lately, instead to be replaced by the sight of some illiterate cretin snoozing. Still, such is life, and it only goes on for about seven months.

Jo, on the left, who was on tonight, seemed like a fairly typical woman from the Midlands. You don't realise how terrible Brummir accents are until you leave. It's all, 'so I told her, I said, 'fook that then''. In Stourbridge, my home town, women who sound like this can usually be found at the bus station dropping fag ash into their kids prams. Still, I rather liked Jo, who was pleasingly laid back about things. We need more though!

I've never seen this Wife Swap. Do they go the whole hog?
Ah, if only the would! Imagine the complications, the aftermath, the lawsuits, the coverage in the newspapers. It would be amazing, and I could say I was there!
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