Saturday, May 20, 2006
Animal House
Well, that time of year is upon us again, Ol' Nick has arrived, and he's brought us, for the next thirteen weeks, 'Big Brother'. This programme is arguably the only thing in the whole world that is both more annoying than Gordon Ramsay and more addictive than crack cocaine. The number of times last year I found myself lying, prone and half asleep at half past two in the morning watching a bunch of people I couldn't stand get their forty winks, it's just not even funny.
The seasons pass, and times change, but 'Big Brother' hasn't changed with the times. The contestants (subjects) are as dippy as ever, although already Shabhaz is clearly going to the single memorable character. He is intriguingly mental. It takes quite something for him to be considerably more hyper than Tourette's sufferer Pete, but there you go, he's managed it.
The other contestant who is particularly noticeable is Lisa. Dear oh dear. You look at her, and she isn't the most beautiful person who ever lived, but she does look reasonably elegant (read: I wouldn't say no). Then, however, she opens her gob. Imagine eating a really tasty salad, and then finding of dollop of pig shit in the middle of it, and that's Lisa's voice. How can anyone sound that rough? I mean, I live in Manchester, but even I can't stand her guttural screechings.
I have one single hope for the series, which is that Richard and Shabhaz have sex on-air. I'm not generally to be found looking for man-on-man action, but were it to occur, it would be fun to watch Mediawatch's collective heads explode, or see them packing their cases and moving to Alabama or Iran.
Normally I express hope for lots and lots of female nudity, but I don't know, I don't even think it seems very likely that we'll have much this time. Dawn is too old, Grace is too posh, Nikki, if she has any sense, which she probably doesn't, ought to realise that appearing naked would make her damaged goods for the Premiership footballers she so desperately wants to marry, and that leaves Imogen, who is too good looking, and anyway Miss World contestants never strip off, and Lea, who is too frightening to contemplate. That leaves Bonnie and Lisa, who are sure bets.
As to who will win the bloody thing, who cares? It matters to the contestants because there's money in it, but it hardly matters to anyone else. It's not even as if the contestants impose upon us very much when they leave any more. Who has heard from last year's contestants like Mary and Derek since their eviction? Not me. Meanwhile, those that do get media exposure (the winner, basically) invariably fuck it up so badly - see Anthony presenting CD:UK - that they make even Vernon Kaye look talented. That's quite an achievement.
Maybe at some point in the next thirteen weeks I might share with you my plans for a re-design of the 'Big Brother' house. I say maybe, because I might send them off to Channel 4 first. You never know, there might be money in it.
Certainly a talking point.
The seasons pass, and times change, but 'Big Brother' hasn't changed with the times. The contestants (subjects) are as dippy as ever, although already Shabhaz is clearly going to the single memorable character. He is intriguingly mental. It takes quite something for him to be considerably more hyper than Tourette's sufferer Pete, but there you go, he's managed it.
The other contestant who is particularly noticeable is Lisa. Dear oh dear. You look at her, and she isn't the most beautiful person who ever lived, but she does look reasonably elegant (read: I wouldn't say no). Then, however, she opens her gob. Imagine eating a really tasty salad, and then finding of dollop of pig shit in the middle of it, and that's Lisa's voice. How can anyone sound that rough? I mean, I live in Manchester, but even I can't stand her guttural screechings.
I have one single hope for the series, which is that Richard and Shabhaz have sex on-air. I'm not generally to be found looking for man-on-man action, but were it to occur, it would be fun to watch Mediawatch's collective heads explode, or see them packing their cases and moving to Alabama or Iran.
Normally I express hope for lots and lots of female nudity, but I don't know, I don't even think it seems very likely that we'll have much this time. Dawn is too old, Grace is too posh, Nikki, if she has any sense, which she probably doesn't, ought to realise that appearing naked would make her damaged goods for the Premiership footballers she so desperately wants to marry, and that leaves Imogen, who is too good looking, and anyway Miss World contestants never strip off, and Lea, who is too frightening to contemplate. That leaves Bonnie and Lisa, who are sure bets.
As to who will win the bloody thing, who cares? It matters to the contestants because there's money in it, but it hardly matters to anyone else. It's not even as if the contestants impose upon us very much when they leave any more. Who has heard from last year's contestants like Mary and Derek since their eviction? Not me. Meanwhile, those that do get media exposure (the winner, basically) invariably fuck it up so badly - see Anthony presenting CD:UK - that they make even Vernon Kaye look talented. That's quite an achievement.
Maybe at some point in the next thirteen weeks I might share with you my plans for a re-design of the 'Big Brother' house. I say maybe, because I might send them off to Channel 4 first. You never know, there might be money in it.
Certainly a talking point.
Comments:
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Orlaith was posh and she got her tits out: there's hope yet.
won't be able to watch it though. :(
shit reception.
I hope there's a little on-screen coprophagia too.
won't be able to watch it though. :(
shit reception.
I hope there's a little on-screen coprophagia too.
It is bloody addictive. Every year it's the same, I say to myself I'm not watching this tired old rubbish, then something get's splashed all over the media. At that point I think I'll just look in for 10 minutes to see what's happening before I know it I too am watching people snoozing.
Matty - was Orlaith posh? I suppose she was a bit.
As for turd-chewing, I have to say you're on your own there. Or at least I hope you are.
Clairwil - That's how they get you. The media saturation, it's just unbelievable. I have such a love/hate relationship with it.
I just wish it didn't mean 'King Of The Hill' repeats are no more.
As for turd-chewing, I have to say you're on your own there. Or at least I hope you are.
Clairwil - That's how they get you. The media saturation, it's just unbelievable. I have such a love/hate relationship with it.
I just wish it didn't mean 'King Of The Hill' repeats are no more.
Ahhh.... the bliss of living in a country that doesn't air that shit!
Of course, I've had to put up with American Idol for the last eternity of weeks, and when that ends (soon?) we get the local version instead. Still, that's why God gave us DVD's.
Of course, I've had to put up with American Idol for the last eternity of weeks, and when that ends (soon?) we get the local version instead. Still, that's why God gave us DVD's.
After the first series I ripped both my eyes out and am sadly now unable to watch the attention-seeking freak circus. I hear one of them has enormous tits though.
Binty - If there's one thing I can't stand, it's singing competitions. Fuck Simon Cowell, and fuck all that ghastly crooning.
Happy - Have you heard the Hamiltons' World Cup song? It's absolutely priceless. I've never heard anything so bad in my life.
As for Russell Brand, I think he looks like a rat. Oh, and does he ever wash his hair? Dermot is indeed more palateable.
Hung - She does indeed, but she also has a more plastic face than Pete Burns. You can see it physically corroding. I've never seen anything quite like it.
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Happy - Have you heard the Hamiltons' World Cup song? It's absolutely priceless. I've never heard anything so bad in my life.
As for Russell Brand, I think he looks like a rat. Oh, and does he ever wash his hair? Dermot is indeed more palateable.
Hung - She does indeed, but she also has a more plastic face than Pete Burns. You can see it physically corroding. I've never seen anything quite like it.
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