Friday, April 07, 2006


I Was Alone In 'The Dark', And I Was Frightened!

Toddled off this afternoon to watch 'The Dark', which was a surprisingly good no budget horror film. Mom (Maria Bello) and daughter (Sophie Stuckey) go to visit dad (Sean Bean) on the Welsh coast. Sadly, daughter cops it pretty early on, getting herself drowned, the silly fool. Then she starts appearing outside the house, and mom, in trying to find her, uncovers a bizarre, but actually very clever plotline featuring everything from suicidal sheep to the Celtic afterlife. This, needless to say, was everything I need in an afternoon's entertainment.

Then, disaster struck. During one of the films quieter moments, probably one featuring Sean Bean being nice (seriously, is it even possible to dislike Sean Bean?) I tried to move to a more comfortable position. I couldn't! My right foot was actually stuck to the floor. I won't say that panic took hold, but lets say I was more than mildly peturbed. There could only be one explanation - 'the dark', the evil that had taken over the film, that the characters were trying to remove by trepanning, had taken over my body, and given my lower right leg rigor mortis.

This presented no end of problems, not the least of which was that I don't want anyone to drill a hole in the top of my skull to remove my demonic possession. I panicked for a couple of minutes. Then, with one final heave, my shoe left the floor with a terrific ripping sound, like a thousand people all undoing velcro shoes at the same moment.

Closer inspection revealed that I had merely been glued to the earth by twenty years of spilled soft drinks. I was fucking glad to be free, nonetheless. To be honest, that's how I expect to go, stuck, alone, watching a matinee performance of an under-appreciated horror film, unable to move due to molten Ice Blasts. Somehow, it actually seems a rather fitting end to my life so far.

On a rather different note, the DVD for 'The Dark' has just been released in America with almost no special features. The distributors must be more mental than a suicidal sheep. Harken to me, distributors! If you watch a comedy ten times, the same jokes, if they were good the first time, will still be funny. If you watch a horror ten times, you won't be frightened at all. Therefore, the DVD extras are more or less the only reason to buy a horror film, unless it's an absolute classic. By the time it's released in the UK, I hope that one or two treats will be installed for genre fans like me. Please!

Sean Bean contemplates a hillside full of dead sheep. I can't quite explain why, but the sheer number of dead sheep in this film made me laugh. Am I a terrible person?

Man, I just love the idea of suicidal sheep!
There's one scene when daughter is stood at the edge of a cliff, and a whole herd start running at her. She falls to the floor, and they proceed to leap like lemmings over her. Needless to say, I was in stitches.
BAAAAaaaaaaa.... *thud*
They did actually leap, much in the same manner as salmon. Quite a sight.
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