Tuesday, September 20, 2005


It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World

I'm extremely glad I got this tracking thing, because I can now see how people get to this site from around the web, and believe me, it's not pretty. I'd just like to share with my regular readership some of the more bizarre quieries of their non-regular colleagues, and maybe help those searching for these things.

'What have Maxwell and Saskia been up to since leaving the Big Brother 6 house?'

I have absolutely no idea, apart from attending premieres and presumably vigorous shagging. My favourite part of this search query is 'up to.' Not 'what have they been doing', but 'what have they been up to.' It sounds like something an elderly relative would say.

'Marcus Trescothick gay'

To the best of my knowledge this is untrue.

'Skeleton in the closet Stallone'

I'm proud to say I'm the first result on Yahoo for this query, because of this post, which is incidentally one of the worst posts I've written.

'Venetia Harpin'

This is the name of a student I took the piss out of in one of the first posts I ever wrote, and a decent one at that. I'm going to start a feature soon whereby every couple of weeks I'll flag up a good post that I wrote when I had about three readers, which got no comments. This can be the first.

I wonder if it's her who was searching for her own name. You never know. Anyway, my criticisms of her for her 'concern about voter apathy' become all the more appropriate since it emerges she is actually the 'Youth MP for Mid Bedfordshire.' That link is to the minutes of a meeting of 'Mid Beds District Council', and it really is an exercise in fruitless timewasting. Here's a sample:

'Richard and Venetia then asked that local agencies and councils should not discriminate against the young. They should support the young with special initiatives, including budgets for projects, and training. There should be recruitment and training within the youth service, and the young should have a say who they work with.'

What? Young people are discriminated against? Bollocks. Further, what young person doesn't have a say in who they work with? I bet she, and her colleague, are the most ghastly sort politically active person. Anyway, since this is the second ad hominem attack I've launched on her, presumably she'll get her mates to brick in my windows.

My very favourite search query, however, is this:

'Oompa Loompa official dossier'

I have no idea what that's about. Bizarre.


I'd like to praise the BBC for their new series (well, not that new) 'Celebrity Art School.' In a year when the unlucky television viewer has been faced with 'I'm A Celebrity . . . Get Me Out Of Here', 'Celebrity Big Brother' and worst of all 'Celebrity Love Island', it's nice to see a programme featuring celebrities, the point of which is not to make them break down and cry or copulate with each other, but is instead informative and interesting. Oh, and Keith Allen is coming out of it really well.


I suppose I shouldn't laugh, but really it's hard not to. The headline 'Sir Paul falls down onstage hole' is an early contender for headline of the year, I reckon.


Finally, Burger King are also the source of unwitting amusement with their decision to withdraw an ice cream cone because the lid looks like the symbol for Allah:

Both Gagwatch and Mediawatch Watch have picked up the story. Congratulations to Rashad Akhtar, 27, of High Wycombe for being possibly the most ludicrously easily offended man in Britain. To quote him:

'How can you say it is a spinning swirl? If you spin it one way – to the right, you are offending Muslims.'

How about not spinning it to the right then? As one commenter at MWW succinctly pointed out, 'looks more like the first letter of the word wanker to me.'

If you tilt your head to the left about perpendicular to the screen for that picture, I'd say the BK cone lid looks more like a cartoon drawing of a dog turd.

And yes, I echo the praise for the Art School program. Good TV with a genuinely interesting premise. And John Humphrys being really astoundingly grumpy all the time. I was going to write about it when it finished at the end of the week, but that's buggered that, hasn't it..! ;-)
I have decided to ruin your blog by responding to every post with an Alan Partridge reference!!

Seriously though, how we laughed when Alan suggested his ideas for programmes: , "do it in a pub car park, very cheap to make...") and amongst others "Millennium Barn dance" (presented by ‘Jet’ from Gladiators). How these shows would fit in with today’s schedules!! I really believe that TV commissioners will screen anything these days (particularly if it has celebrity in the title). I mean I bet ‘Cooking in Prison’ is in production!!

That said I loathed that Art School thing. Claudia Winkleman is an irritating woman with mental age of what I would place (with no medical training) at around 7. Ulrika is vile and has really saggy tits... I suppose that’s a side issue really! Nah I just though it rather boring! Plus it’s on at the same time as The Simpsons so it had no chance with me really…
As much as I enjoyed the Art School thing, I'd switch over to watch Monkey Tennis instead any day of the week.
Paul -

Don't let me stop you! I very much enjoyed your post on 'Swinging.'

Happyviolet -

Much though I like the programme, and want to defend it to the hilt, I have to say I agree about Claudia Winkelman. How can you not enjoy the sight of John Humphryus throwing constant hissy fits, though?
If you swuint really hard while appying a tournequette to your penis you can hear the color SATAN coming through the radio.
I think thats hilarious as well. Someone once found my blog by searching for
'kitty cat "skull harness"'
I still don't know what the hell THEY were looking for. I sincerely hope they didn't find it on my blog.
SafeT -

It's obviously someone who enjoys the wonders of kinky cat sex. Haven't we all thought about going down that road once . . .

Actually, I haven't. I can't stand cats, I must be honest. My great-aunt used to have one, and whenever I had to stay at her house it resented me because it felt I was sleeping on its bed. It glared. Horrible thing.
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