Friday, September 16, 2005


'I'd Have A Full English Breakfast Every Day If I Could, But. . .I'd Be Dead.' 'Why?' 'Cholesterol. Scottish People Eat It. Few Of Them Make Sixty.'*


So, I'm in Madrid, which is all very fine and lovely, except for the mornings. The trouble is, you see, the Spanish don't seem to have mastered the art of breakfast. This is why I like going on holiday to Germany, as they understand breakfast - lots of meat, and they can make tea. If you ask a German about breakfast, he (or she!) is likely to make a look as if remembering that sunny day with Franke the milkmaid in the barn on the farm outside Bamburg, whereas a Spaniard is more likely to simply say, 'what?'

I used to hate tea, but now I need at least a cup in the morning, or else I simply can't function. This morning, I went to Starbucks with low expectations, which is just as well, since what I was served was sort of half tea half coffee, toffee, if you will, and it was revolting. It came with ham in bagel bread, which was predictably disgusting. It wasn't just the bread, which is hateful enough, but the ham it came with which had about 5% meat content to 95% fat content. Now, I like fat as much as the next man, but when there's so much that it won't break, and you have a mouthful of food, and an extended arm with the bagel thing at the very far end, and a stringy piece of fat that just will not come apart connecting the two, then it ceases to be funny.

I did consider explaining to the man behind the counter what tea is, as Arthur Dent had to do the drinks machine on 'The Heart Of Gold', explaining the advantages of bone china, and men in cone-shaped hats, and the history of the East India company, but I realised it would be futile, since all he knew was how to ring up the till and say 'have a nice day' in two different languages. It'd be a nice day if I weren't drinking liquid horror now, wouldn't it?

Here's another fascinating fact: brown sauce is not sold in the Phillipines. I belive a killing could be made there.

'Minor criticism - the eggs were too close to the beans. I may want to mix them, but I want that to be my decision. Use a sausage as a breakwater.'*

*All dialogue from 'I'm Alan Partridge.'

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