Sunday, May 29, 2005


House Of Freaks

Well, congratulations to Channel Four for their selections for the new series of 'Big Brother.' It must have taken them quite a time to find that many weirdos. They're all loathsome. Let's take a look:

1) Anthony - can't wash, clean cook or take care of himself, and his favourite book is Roy Keane's biography.

2) Craig - I really hope for his sake I never meet this man, because I simply will kill him. I'd say that I'd nail him to the floor and piss on him, but I don't want it to be that pleasant. He believes in Egyptian Gods, and has never read a book. Fucking hell.

3) Derek - mentioned in John Major's autobiography. Need I say more?

4) Lesley - her favourite film is 'Ghost.' I'm standing on the window ledge, looking down.

5) Kemal - don't you just hate it when they pick stereotypes? And if a male, cross-dressing Islamic bellydancer isn't an obvious stereotype, then what is?

6) Makosi - she's a Christian who believes she was an elephant in a previous life. Seriously.

7) Mary - a white witch. Need I say more?

8) Maxwell - 'he has no time for any political opinions or vegetarians.' Sound fellow. The only one I like.

9) Roberto - favourite film? 'Cinema Paradiso.' Says it all really.

10) Sam - 'she once stripped naked on a podium on holiday in Tenerife.' 'She describes herself as "original, funny and fun."' Nothing says original like getting your tits out when drunk, does it? And I'm sure her parents must have been delighted to find out about her upstairs enhancement on live TV. Very classy.

11) Saskia - seems normal, if rotten, enough, but decided to go on an anti-immigrant rant during her acceptance video. Clearly a piece of shit then.

12) Science - the name says all you need to know, which is 'twat.'

13) Vanessa - the words 'pig ugly', spring, unbidden, to my mind. Boring.

So there you go. If you put them in a circus, the cash would come rolling in. Still, the real achievement of 'Big Brother' is to take ever-increasingly obnoxious and difficult people inside, still produce a show most notable for its endless tedium, and yet get the tabloid press to take an unending interest. I already wish it was over.

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